Man, I loves me a good sneeze. When I sneeze, I'm all in. If I'm standing up there's usually a straight-leg kick involved. If I'm sitting down, arms will flail. And they're loud. I make them that way, deliberately on purpose-like. There is no point in sneezing if it is not a full body experience that involves all extremities and the entirety of your torso, all expelled through your face in a 700 mile-an-hour plume with the concussive force of a bird strike against a Boeing.
I acquired my devastating sneeze style back East, where I was annually subjected to two lengthy allergy seasons that eventually merged into one never-ending soul-destroying miasma of mucoid misery. (Alliteration! Woo!) I grew bored with shouting "Ah-CHOO!" Who thought up "ah-choo" anyway? There's no reason it has to be that. I started with "Ah-HAAAH!" which made me sound like a brilliant inventor or an overenthusiastic detective, depending on the day. "Bla-hurrrgh!" was good, too, kind of a zombie sneeze, and "Wa-harrrrgh!" as well, which sounded like I was about to plunge off a cliff. I also frequently sneezed in Russian, very roughly rendered here as "По-русски!!!" Those were particularly satisfying, all guttural and fatalistic, especially if I got several in a row. I would declaim in percussive sternutatory style, sounding quite vexed by the sad plight of the proletariat and convinced of the need for revolution against the Czar.
Some people don't know how to sneeze. I know a woman who sneezes with a loud, sharp, half an "Ah!" followed by a soft "Choo!" that sounds almost exactly like a tiny Pikachu noise. Then she says "Excuse me." No one blesses her, because it's clear that she's embarrassed and guilty and deserves what's coming to her. Other people can't bring themselves to sneeze at all. They go "Knxthch!" and their eyes get momentarily huge. I don't understand such people. I think that they're going to get cancer.
My allergies have since retreated, left behind on the east coast along with their associated menageries of pollens and molds. I still have occasion to sneeze, and when I do I revel in the convulsive ballet of maxillary, trigeminal, and vagus nerves, the cascade of histamines, the spasm of the pharyngeal and tracheal muscles.
Sneezing: better than sex?
Well...no.
But, in general, much more acceptable at the office
I acquired my devastating sneeze style back East, where I was annually subjected to two lengthy allergy seasons that eventually merged into one never-ending soul-destroying miasma of mucoid misery. (Alliteration! Woo!) I grew bored with shouting "Ah-CHOO!" Who thought up "ah-choo" anyway? There's no reason it has to be that. I started with "Ah-HAAAH!" which made me sound like a brilliant inventor or an overenthusiastic detective, depending on the day. "Bla-hurrrgh!" was good, too, kind of a zombie sneeze, and "Wa-harrrrgh!" as well, which sounded like I was about to plunge off a cliff. I also frequently sneezed in Russian, very roughly rendered here as "По-русски!!!" Those were particularly satisfying, all guttural and fatalistic, especially if I got several in a row. I would declaim in percussive sternutatory style, sounding quite vexed by the sad plight of the proletariat and convinced of the need for revolution against the Czar.
Some people don't know how to sneeze. I know a woman who sneezes with a loud, sharp, half an "Ah!" followed by a soft "Choo!" that sounds almost exactly like a tiny Pikachu noise. Then she says "Excuse me." No one blesses her, because it's clear that she's embarrassed and guilty and deserves what's coming to her. Other people can't bring themselves to sneeze at all. They go "Knxthch!" and their eyes get momentarily huge. I don't understand such people. I think that they're going to get cancer.
My allergies have since retreated, left behind on the east coast along with their associated menageries of pollens and molds. I still have occasion to sneeze, and when I do I revel in the convulsive ballet of maxillary, trigeminal, and vagus nerves, the cascade of histamines, the spasm of the pharyngeal and tracheal muscles.
Sneezing: better than sex?
Well...no.
But, in general, much more acceptable at the office
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