Mister Spigot, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

It's all merriment and japery until some twittling pratt bumbles onstage with a cured ham and staggers about until he trips and puts his head through a flat. Then the rest of us have to move downstage engaging in ridiculous pantomime while the stagehands try to extract his great knobby cranium, an effort made decidedly more difficult by the great lout's enraged sheep-like bleating and the lead's increasingly obvious inebriation. As God's my witness, the only thing that redeemed this production was the ample package of the villain, which drew standing crowds every evening until he fell ill with the grippe. The riot following the announcement of his replacement by the understudy made the front page of the Times theater section, which constituted the best coverage received by the show for the duration of its run.