God damn it so much.Really.
Gomorrah-level damning, that's what I'm after. Towering column o' burning Sodom. Overflowing rain, and great hailstones. Fire! Big explosions. Sinners aflame, hurtling through the air. Desert God making with the divine fuel-air bombs. Sevenfold vengeance! Burnt with hunger! Devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction! Smite the men of the city, both small and great, and cover their secret parts with emerods! Fantastic.
What's this all about? The target of my ancient rage?
Nothing, really. I'd just like to see God show up and go all Bruckheimer Old Testament Emmerich, just once. I mean: how ripped off are we mod'ren monkeys? Jesus shows up and God gets all mysterious and suddenly columns of smoke and raining brimstone and fire from heaven are...what, gauche? I wanna see the smoke of the country going up as the smoke of a furnace! But nothing so pedestrian as a fusion holocaust or a bunch of repurposed airliners or an asteroid. Big fist of the Lord only, please, or the undeniable smashing feet of obvious goddishness.
I mean, at what point did all the smiting and horror and crispy monkey sinners stop being His gig and start being ours? It used to be so simple. Dance naked around the shiny shiny calf--BAM! Offer up some strange fire--POW! Commit some whoredom, jerk off, make fun of the bald prophet--SCHWACK! Bowels falling out, lions, bears, trampling, falling walls! Now it's all convoluted and hidden and weird, subtle vengeance enacted by humans who might or might not be doing the will of the Lord. I mean, come on, man, step up to the plate! Big old Finger of God from offstage, please--HERE IS THIS BOMB-VESTED DUDE, WITH WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED! A booming declaration throughout the streets of The Castro: HEY, YOU FAGS REALLY PISS ME OFF, YOU KNOW THAT? Then with the fire and chaos and righteous death!
Why so coy, YHWH? Bring it on! Spank us, Holy Daddy! But show yourself, please. Enough with hiding behind the dusky bearded dudes in caves and the cowboy-hatted freaks in creepy raincoats, 'kay?
Raining toads, locusts, rivers of blood, pillars of salt - I'm with ya. The Old Testament god was pissed off, kicking ass and taking names. This new guy, with his mercy, forgiveness and turning the other cheek, is boring.
And here's a questions...before Mary, who's face did people see in their potato chips?
Elvis.